I try to keep this blog mostly fashion related, but the truth is I also look at this as a personal time capsule; I want to be able to look back on this and know what I was feeling, what my life was like. I have a bad memory. I tried keeping more than one blog up to date but failed – so every several months or so, you might have to skip over a slightly off-topic, more personal post. Feel free to gloss over this whole post if you’re just here for the fashion.

Lately, I’ve been in a transient state of cloudy discernment and emotional regression.

And I’ve been lost. I’ve been completely lost.

I’m telling you now that the New Year, remaining loyal to my tradition, hasn’t started until I say it has begun. I can’t bring myself to start off the year with such a feeling of bewilderment; I need a direction and I need it to be pointing forward. Instead, I’m looking over my shoulder and blindly tripping over everything ahead of me. What is missing inside of me that keeps me absolutely fixated on the past, especially in what should be new beginnings?

I guess I’m just lost.

Yet, here I am in one piece and breathing easily, my heart a little abnormal but still beating. Where is the tragedy in my ordinary life, and what is so wrong with today that makes me want to drown myself in my past? I’m starting to think that I don’t know how to function without chaos and heartache in my life. It’s all I ever knew and at times I’m hopeless without it, desperately searching for something to keep me from ever being content. Sometimes I’m afraid of contentment, because I never want to stop looking for more.

My past week in particular was a lachrymose fairytale with me, the dubious heroine: it was both beautiful and utterly disastrous. I went from being miserable to giggling my face off and making the most of an awful weekend and having a huge fight with people I love. I attempted to see my dad, failed, tried again, failed. Made a similar attempt to see my grandfather, failed, gave up and resigned myself to the idea that hell, my family didn’t want me there in the first place. I sank into a friend’s couch, feeling both defeated and vindicated at the same time, because this was always the universe’s plan for me and I knew – I just knew that it would all fall apart. Woe is me, boo-hoo-hoo. New Year’s traditions and anything to do with my father are always a tragedy; to act as though this was all a great shock is misleading and selfish. I made a three hour drive to escape bad memories and ended up looking for more of them. Isn’t that the epitome of teen angst? And here I am, twenty five. I consider myself a generally happy person and it doesn’t take much to make me ecstatic, but I slip up from time to time. The past several months, it has been more like time to time to time, time, time.

To a great extent, we make our own happiness and create our own misery. I went and found the latter, but after renting a car and treading to my friend’s place, something (and someone) made me want to discard it for the former. So, we went to St. Augustine, because it was too cold for rides at Disney World.

St. Augustine: you, a friend and a pair of starlight glasses saved my weekend and gave me a bit of clarity. Maybe it was the haze from my teary swollen eyes but by golly, you felt like something out of a dream. A very chilly, very pretty, very welcome little dream. I might be feeling a little lost again and I’m positive it’s self-imposed…but dear, pretty, ghostly St. Augustine, I do love the way your lights danced and temporarily brought me out of the doldrums and halfway into the new year.

My original New Year’s resolution was to be a better person, whatever that means. With the way things have been going, I’m not sure if I’m there yet or will be there anytime soon. Instead, for right now, I intend to keep dreaming in the daylight and keeping calamity at bay. I need a little sunshine, a little clarity, a little bit of fantasy and a lot of love. Reality is obviously a little too mundane for me, which just sends me into disarray. I’ve always been a night owl – it’s when I feel most creative, most compelled to write, to love, to apologize and forgive. I just need to figure out how to keep that constant through my days, to keep my idle hands from starting fires just to entertain. I need adventure; I need to start living a little more. I need to be happier, always. For that, I think my dailies should at least resemble my nightly reverie. It isn’t as though my dreams are ever that unreasonable. I can’t decide if this is an achievable goal or if I am just kidding myself.

I’ve always believed that what the stars ignite, the sun will smother. Is it possible to keep on dreaming in the daylight, or should I just resign myself to sleep forever?

Whatever the right answer may be, I hope that my New Year starts tomorrow. I miss being little miss sunshine.

Love love,
Keiko Lynn

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  1. Saraka says:

    Dear god, this post sounds like a page from my mental diary…
    and I turned 21 two months ago. D:

  2. megan v says:

    It's definitely a 25 year old thing. I feel so much like I'm wandering and searching in my mind for where I'm supposed to go and what I should do to take my life in the direction I want it to go in. If only I knew what I wanted! We will all get there.

    My husband and I have always wanted to go to St. Augustine after seeing the amazingly creepy striped lighthouse on Ghost Hunters.

  3. Brittany says:

    If there is any place in the world to reflect upon your life it is St. Augustine. My husband and I honeymooned there in 2008 and I have pined for it ever since. I named My daughter Olivia Augustine Elise after the beauty and magic of the city. I really hope we can move there someday! Now, we live in St Louis and the only water we have is the muddy Mississippi…yuck! You are 100% correct about your feeling of being 25. I'll be 25 this year too…its scarily close to 30 and you start thinking about what you have done so far, what you would have done differently and what you need to do. Don't worry, darlin'. Spring will be here soon and the world will light up and inspire you again. If all else, a trip back to St. Augustine in warmer months will brighten your spirit! Good luck!

  4. Lisa says:

    whoa! that was one hell of an honest post…
    ok, so lets be honest here…
    i've been noticing that your last buncha posts, you were faking a smile! you didn't seem your silly self…i was hoping it was just a funk…but this post proves that you are a human being…full of doubt and lacking direction…like most of us…
    here's the scary part….
    i've been floating around much like yourself…but i'm 34! i found you through the modcloth website earlier last year and it changed my life….how odd is that? can you actually say a fashion blogger saved a life? by blogging? i'm not sure if thats accurate, but its true. i discovered fashion bloggers through you. your list of other bloggers became my list of people to check out. i laughed with your posts and marveled at your lovely fashions and your creativity. i am a mom of a 2 yr old and was on the brink of not caring about stuff like fashion any more. basically i was on the cusp of falling head long into…i'm old's-ville.
    your brightness inspired me.
    understand this, your readers need you…for whatever reason…(different for everyone)…if that alone gives you some hope or direction…i'll be happy.
    just take some time to find the lightness in your world again…
    and maybe some vitamin d….
    SAD gets me this time of year too…there are many a day i hate being a canadian in the winter time.
    for now…dream about the up-coming spring time!!! summer dresses and fun…
    keep your chin up keiko darling…its such a pretty chin…
    (aka city_n_country on chictopia)

  5. P3ixinho says:

    You're not alone on this, I did feel something like that when I was 25 and now with 27 I find myself looking over my sholder and thinking about what's behind and not what's ahead of me. Why do I keep spending so much time looking at the past? Maybe because that's where my family is, now I don't know where that concept went. Other things I relate to this dizziness and feeling I'm lost: where the hell my professional future is going? I should be liking the master degree I'm taking, loving to learn about animation and 3D, but instead I feel tired in both ways and then I ask myself: If you really are interested in this area you should never be tired of it, right or wrong?… Well, ups, maybe I exaggerated on this comment but I feel better now that I got this off my chest. 😛
    Hey! If you're like me, you'll feel miserable now, but sleep over it and you'll feel pretty much better.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I heard this on a Sugarland song this morning and thought of you, and I believe it is true: Some people believe in Destiny / Some people believe in Fate / I believe that Happiness is something you create.

    Cheer up!

  7. Sara Marie says:

    I re-stumbled on your blog, and reading this post, it seems as though you were writing where I'm coming from. I'm 25 too, and things have not seemed right since my birthday, yet at the same time I can't complain that it's all bad. And I'm glad that you have the solace of friends, which is something I wish I had. All the best to you 🙂

  8. Megan says:

    Hey Keiko-

    I've been reading your blog for a little over a year now, back when you're website was just a spot on a fashion blog, your stuff popping out as completely original from everyone else's. Anyway, I've always sort of looked at your blog and yourself as someone who has the perfect life. You're gorgeous, have a gorgeous and fantastic boyfriend, you live in fabulous places, have a fabulous family, and make fantastic clothing for a living. I mean, this is the "you" you show to the world through your blog, at least. Sometimes I look at your blog very jealously – as a 25 year old to look up to, to envy, a goal to reach.

    As for me, I'm 23. I graduated in '08 with a degree in International Studies because I wanted to travel. I guess to other people, I have the life too – I have a fantastic boyfriend and family, I lived in LA until a week ago where I moved closer to the beach, I work some odd and romantic jobs (at a cupcake bakery, then a French gourmet cafe), take trains everywhere. When I think of those things, I think "I have the dream life too." And yet I also have those days where just feel so lost. And those days start to take over the good ones, and before you know it you're in a downward spiral of "what am I doing with my life." I used to be so positive and bubbly and optimistic but now it just doesn't seem realistic or natural at all.

    I think what I'm trying to say is that you are not alone in this feeling. I think it's a shame that everyone does all of this work to make it seem like they are having a perfect life but in actuality are experiencing a lot of misery and suffering. All I can say is be yourself because everyone seems to like when you're yourself. Even when you feel like everything is falling apart, no one will blame you for your bad days.

    Here's to cheering us on 🙂

  9. The Daily Fashionista says:

    My heart pours out for you right now. I think there's a time in everyone's life where you feel alone and without direction. It's a sad place to be, but when I was in a deep depression I talked to someone about it and they told me to basically snap out of it and start thinking positively about the future. It's almost like you have to make up your mind to not be 'woe is me' and basically keep yourself busy amongst friends.

    You will be little miss sunshine soon! You have a great support system on your site-which is fabulous by the way!


  10. Heather Anne says:

    Keiko, you are absolutely wonderful and I am sorry you are going through all of this mess. Sometimes, no matter how much we love a person, that person just won't care about us as much as we want them to and will disregard us. This is even more troublesome and heartbreaking when it's your parent. It starts becoming a never ending task to get their approval, or at least acknowledgment. Just remember you have great people in your life who love you for exactly who you are.

  11. Soooali says:

    It's amazing to see all the support you have and I'm with them too. I wish you all the best in 2010, whatever it may hold. I have just started blogging and find it sometimes crazy. Sometimes I don't feel like I want to portray the happy me. But it'll all work out in the end.

  12. Jessy says:

    Reading your beautifully written post and the subsequent responses, I see I am not the only one stuck in this weird lackadaisical haze.

    I really like your tradition of starting the year when you are good and ready. Perhaps we should all just deny that the year has started yet and then have big parties once we decide the year has caught up with us.

  13. Sara says:

    beautifully and truthfully written. I hope you come through this soon and start to see the sunshine everyday. Take care of yourself xx