Flea market straw boater hat (this one is under $20!)
I’ve been having a weird year. A really, really weird and unsettling year. In the past, whenever I’ve been going through a hard time publicly, kind and well-meaning people have told me to take a break from social media and focus on myself. Sometimes I take that advice — and it’s often to my own detriment, because it’s a huge part of my job. It’s a job I love and I am so grateful for all the opportunities, comfort, and flexibility it affords. But when I’m down in the absolute depths of the dumps, it can be so hard to find beauty and inspiration anywhere. It’s hard to get dressed, to look put together enough for a photo. It’s hard to find the drive to do a tutorial or plan out a video. And there are days when I do just that — find enough drive to put my makeup on, get dressed, compartmentalize everything to be a shiny, happy person who lives in the moment and will worry about everything later — but I see the difference. It’s all very meh.
On this day, I was particularly thrilled because Miku was finally out of her cone and I wanted to give her the best day, out and about and getting fresh air out of the city. I was genuinely happy in these moments, and just getting out made me feel like a new person. Because I’ve spent too many days not doing anything, or completely ignoring issues and work and just trying to do happy things with my friends without a phone or camera around. There has to be a balance, you know? I’m still trying to figure that out.
There are also days when I get dressed, do my hair, put on my makeup, set up my lights, and then get a phone call that brings me to tears. “You can do it tomorrow, don’t worry,” is a phrase that Bobby said to me three days in a row, while my backdrop and lights sat ready for a makeup tutorial that I never got around to. It’s been a lot. I’ve been a lot.
I love my job. I love that in times like this, I can pick up and be wherever I need to be and carry on working. I love that I get paid to be creative, to be me, to go on adventures and shoot photos and videos and write posts that I will always have as my own personal diary. I truly feel like I happened into the luckiest career, just because I was a lonely girl in need of an outlet. I’ve gained friends, incredible experiences, and a life I never thought would be my reality. I never want to be one of those people who complains about how hard this job can be, how demanding, how much work I put in — because the reality is that yes, it can be a lot of work behind the scenes, but it’s still a lot freaking easier than most of the jobs that make up our world’s workforces, and it’s an absolute dream to be paid to create on my own terms.
So, this isn’t a post to complain about the job that I love. It’s a post to vent about the fact that my feelings are getting in the way of the job I love, and I don’t want to let it anymore. I’ve gotten lazy, uninspired, and I’m disappointing myself left and right with my lack of trying. That stops now. I think back to the reason I started this blog, and it’s somewhat similar to the reason I’ve been at a bit of a standstill: I was working from home, struggling with depression, and didn’t have enough reasons to leave my apartment, so I wore pajamas all day. I started documenting my outfits on a daily basis to hold myself accountable, and it made me feel better. And — many years later — it eventually turned into my current career. There’s no excuse for my sporadic updates, my lackluster content, my desire to put everything on the back burner. If I could pull myself out of a rut at 22, I can certainly do it in my mid thirties.
Feelings happen. Life can sometimes be an absolute train wreck. But I’ve got to keep moving, keep working, and get back to a place of being inspired. After all, Halloween is just around the corner…and I’ve got a lot of ideas I want to work on.