Outfits, Style

Catching my breath.

Outfit details:

Pink Topshop coat (shop sale coats)

thrifted 90s floral dress (lots of cute dresses on sale here, or find a similar one on Etsy — this one is similar!)

pink Converse

Flea market straw boater hat (this one is under $20!)

Oui Fresh mint sunnies

iridescent beaded bag (free prime shipping) or get the real one (I didn’t know until after I bought it — it just looked like a 60s bag I used to have) from Shrimps

More statement handle bags here

I’ve been having a weird year. A really, really weird and unsettling year. In the past, whenever I’ve been going through a hard time publicly, kind and well-meaning people have told me to take a break from social media and focus on myself. Sometimes I take that advice — and it’s often to my own detriment, because it’s a huge part of my job. It’s a job I love and I am so grateful for all the opportunities, comfort, and flexibility it affords. But when I’m down in the absolute depths of the dumps, it can be so hard to find beauty and inspiration anywhere. It’s hard to get dressed, to look put together enough for a photo. It’s hard to find the drive to do a tutorial or plan out a video. And there are days when I do just that — find enough drive to put my makeup on, get dressed, compartmentalize everything to be a shiny, happy person who lives in the moment and will worry about everything later — but I see the difference. It’s all very meh.

On this day, I was particularly thrilled because Miku was finally out of her cone and I wanted to give her the best day, out and about and getting fresh air out of the city. I was genuinely happy in these moments, and just getting out made me feel like a new person. Because I’ve spent too many days not doing anything, or completely ignoring issues and work and just trying to do happy things with my friends without a phone or camera around. There has to be a balance, you know? I’m still trying to figure that out.

There are also days when I get dressed, do my hair, put on my makeup, set up my lights, and then get a phone call that brings me to tears. “You can do it tomorrow, don’t worry,” is a phrase that Bobby said to me three days in a row, while my backdrop and lights sat ready for a makeup tutorial that I never got around to. It’s been a lot. I’ve been a lot.

I love my job. I love that in times like this, I can pick up and be wherever I need to be and carry on working. I love that I get paid to be creative, to be me, to go on adventures and shoot photos and videos and write posts that I will always have as my own personal diary. I truly feel like I happened into the luckiest career, just because I was a lonely girl in need of an outlet. I’ve gained friends, incredible experiences, and a life I never thought would be my reality. I never want to be one of those people who complains about how hard this job can be, how demanding, how much work I put in — because the reality is that yes, it can be a lot of work behind the scenes, but it’s still a lot freaking easier than most of the jobs that make up our world’s workforces, and it’s an absolute dream to be paid to create on my own terms.

So, this isn’t a post to complain about the job that I love. It’s a post to vent about the fact that my feelings are getting in the way of the job I love, and I don’t want to let it anymore. I’ve gotten lazy, uninspired, and I’m disappointing myself left and right with my lack of trying. That stops now. I think back to the reason I started this blog, and it’s somewhat similar to the reason I’ve been at a bit of a standstill: I was working from home, struggling with depression, and didn’t have enough reasons to leave my apartment, so I wore pajamas all day. I started documenting my outfits on a daily basis to hold myself accountable, and it made me feel better. And — many years later — it eventually turned into my current career. There’s no excuse for my sporadic updates, my lackluster content, my desire to put everything on the back burner. If I could pull myself out of a rut at 22, I can certainly do it in my mid thirties.

Feelings happen. Life can sometimes be an absolute train wreck. But I’ve got to keep moving, keep working, and get back to a place of being inspired. After all, Halloween is just around the corner…and I’ve got a lot of ideas I want to work on.

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6 comments

  1. Jacqui says:

    Dude, it’s so hard. Blogging isn’t my job, but I can only imagine the pressure you feel to be on/ shiny-happy all of the time. I felt that way when I was working full time and struggling with postpartum anxiety and depression. Like, why can’t I just pull it together and appreciate the professional opportunities I’ve been given?

    But that’s… sort of how it goes. Careers ebb and flow. I don’t think anyone would fault you for taking a step back, but I also understand that leaning back into your passions is quite an effective coping mechanism. And your words have inspired me to do the same (i.e., fire up that sewing machine!). So thank you. And I am so looking forward to another year of epic Halloween posts 🙂

  2. Helen says:

    Keiko, I know exactly how you feel and your honesty is why I have loved following you all these years. You always create such beautiful and inspiring content, and I hope you’re back to feeling 100% soon so you can keep sharing your creativity with us.

    -Helen
    http://www.sweethelengrace.com

  3. S says:

    This part broke my heart: “…my feelings are getting in the way of the job I love, and I don’t want to let it anymore.”

    You are not at fault for having negative feelings and thoughts. Your feelings are NOT getting in the way because your feelings, whatever they are, are real and valid. Depression isn’t something you can decide to “let” or “not let” control your life. Your feelings are not a decision. I really hope you treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Please be gentle with yourself.

  4. Paloma says:

    I don’t know if this helps, but all jobs require that you get dressed when you don’t feel like it, smile and be happy if you don’t feel like it, and need you to pretend to feel creative and inspired when you just…don’t. And sometimes going through the motions is a good distraction, and seeing co-workers and having a routine. So it is probably a bit harder when you just work on your own, but rest assured we all go through times when we’re just phoning it in. And if blogging is your job, the same things happen with that.

  5. Tina Groves says:

    Hi Keiko,

    You do such a wonderful job at what you do and it’s great that you enjoy your work. Wishing you all the best. ❤️ Tina