I’ve spent my whole life asserting my independence. I have major control issues, to the point where the idea of being under the influence of anything — whether substance or peer — makes me feel physically ill. In case you’re wondering why I have never had a drink or done a single drug (or ever smoked a cigarette), those are two of many reasons: I didn’t want to lose control and I rejected peer pressure as an act of defiance. Fitting in was never my strong suit (neither was rebellion).

Early trials can sometimes break you or make you build impassable walls; I experienced a little bit of both. I luckily got the former out of the way a lot earlier in life, but the latter persisted — and as it’s a lot easier to build a metaphorical wall than tear it all the way down, vast remnants still remain. Even now as I’m surrounded by a lifetime of ride or die friends and family, I think most would say I am a tough judge of character. I don’t let my guard down easily and though I’m happy to be an acquaintance, it takes a long time for me to consider someone a true friend. But once you’re in, you’re in forever. The proof is in the pudding: most of my friends have been my friends since I was a kid and my “newer” friends have been my friends for several years. I’m not of the “no new friends” mentality — it just takes a lot of time for me to feel completely at ease, to feel that someone is not just company I enjoy but a true friend.

Now, when it comes to dating and relationships, take all of that and multiply it times ten (or twenty or maybe fifty). Romantic relationships come with ups and downs, a lack of complete control, and a need for compromise. Bobby and I have had our fair share of both major highs and major lows, and our almost decade long (neither of us even know the exact time we started dating) relationship’s current, happy state is the result of all of that and the in betweens. I’m very confrontational and he avoids it at all costs, so we had to learn how to compromise in how we communicate. He is the most optimistic person I have ever met and I like to think of myself as an optimistic pessimist: I hope for the best but always prepare for the worst (and might have an anxiety attack while doing so). I hate working out and he lives for it. He’s a social butterfly and loves everyone the moment he meets them; I’m…well, we’ve already had an entire paragraph dedicated to that. In so many ways, we are opposites. In others, we are very much alike (but mostly opposites). And I can see how when reading this, I come across as the lesser of the two — the one who is less deserving. But I’d like to think that as lucky as I am to have him, he’s just as lucky to have me. I’m just not very good at singing my own praises. Am I stubborn? Of course. An alpha female? Absolutely. But I’m also a bleeding heart just like my mom, and we stubborn alpha females with secret bleeding hearts are the ones who can save the world. My great grandma Moe taught me to never trust a man who wants to put out my fire. Just like Bobby and me, she and my great grandpa were opposites in many ways. Moe was the rebel alpha female who started us all, and he loved her something fierce — not despite it, but partly because of it, and that made her love him even more. I learned a lot from not only them but my grandparents, too. They taught me that stability can be found in opposites, as long as there is some sort of balance and mutual understanding.

Little by little, I’ve learned to let myself give up a little control. To be present in our relationship, instead of fixating on the past or worrying about the future. I’ve learned that anyone worth waiting for will wait for you, too. But most importantly, I’ve learned that being independent and being a partner in a relationship don’t have to be mutually exclusive — it’s all in the partner you choose. And almost ten years in, I feel confident in saying I chose a good one.

Here’s to partners who won’t try to put out your fire.