Outfits, Style

Wear the dress.

nyc

Outfit Details:

Zimmermann “Mischief Rosebud” dress

Pink Swedish Hasbeens

Flynn bag

Heart sunglasses

I wrote a little bit about this on instagram, but since captions can be limiting and most of us donā€™t read them anyway, I figured Iā€™d talk a little bit about it on here. Letā€™s be honest ā€” few read the text on blog posts, either, but thereā€™s still a big part of me that looks at this blog as equal parts diary and resource. A strange mix of links and info and heart-on-my-sleeve and generally mundane recollections of my days. And and and.

Anyway!

I first saw this dress on Solange during NYFW in 2015, and I fell in love. She was dressed for the Zimmermann show (I did not attend; I am not that cool), and as suspicions confirmed when I checked their runway images, it was for their upcoming SS 16 collection. I knew it would be well out of my price range and Iā€™d have to wait several months to find out just how much it was out of my price range (although Moda Operandi probably had it for pre-sale, I canā€™t remember) but I felt like I needed it. Very dramatic, I know, but this has only happened to me twice: once with this dress, and once with a pair of sunglasses that I spotted at a friendā€™s wedding, tracked down and purchased, and still wear all the time. Of course, sunglasses have a little more versatility than a very specific dress, but the dress was calling to me. When the collection finally launched, my dreams were squashed because the price was so well beyond my budget that I couldnā€™t even think about it. But I waited and waited and waited for it to go on sale, and then on sale again, and several months later ā€” about a year after I first spotted it ā€” I got the dress. It was still more expensive than anything else in my closet, but I was overjoyed when it arrived. Itā€™s the most ā€œmeā€ dress Iā€™ve ever had.

But then something weird happened: I wouldnā€™t wear it. I didnā€™t feel worthy. I shouldnā€™t say ā€œweirdā€ because itā€™s not the first time. Iā€™ve returned or passed up a few things because I didnā€™t feel worthy of them, but this was something I already had in my possession and it was final sale, so returning wasnā€™t even an option. Iā€™d put the dress on and think to myself, ā€œWho do you think you are? You donā€™t deserve this.ā€ And back in the closet it went. I reasoned with myself that maybe when Bobby and I got married, I could wear it then. That would be an occasion worthy of a special dress. I spent all this money on a dress I stalked and obsessed over for a year, but I couldnā€™t bring myself to wear it. I worried I would look like a fraud. Iā€™ve been called a sellout for not exclusively wearing thrifted or reconstructed clothes anymore, Iā€™ve been told I was ā€œborn poor and will die poorā€ and that I ā€œdonā€™t deserve nice thingsā€ by strangers on the internet who probably never gave me a second thought past that, and at some point I started believing those things in some tiny, whispering voice in the back of my head kind of way. Isnā€™t it strange that you can receive 1,000 compliments and one rude remark and somehow you only retain the latter? In my case, itā€™s because I already felt that insecurity and their comments/emails ā€” though less tactful than my inner dialogue — felt like affirmations of my self-doubt. Iā€™ve held onto a remember-where-you-came-from mentality to always keep my feet on the ground, but it can sometimes pull me under. Even re-reading this post, I caught that I said ā€œI am not that cool.ā€ I do that a lot. If you tell yourself something enough, you will believe it and live it. And others will believe it, too.

It took moving into a new apartment to wear the dress. Moving the unworn dress from one apartment to another apartment made me realize how ridiculous I was being. Here I was, saving this dress for a special occasion that was nowhere in sight, telling myself I didnā€™t deserve to wear it for any other reason. So, I put it on. I wore it for Valentineā€™s Day pictures with Miku and Bobby. I wore it again for a dinner. I wore it again for an event. I wore it on this beautiful Spring day for brunch. I wore the dress again and again and again because a dress this special deserves to be seen, not sitting in the closet. And if you treat each day as such, it can always be a special occasion. And heck, if youā€™re going to spend a lot of money on a piece of clothing, you better get that cost per wear down and wear it to death.

The point of this very long and dramatic post about a dress is that in life, there will be people who make you feel like youā€™re not worthy. Sometimes that person will be you. Donā€™t listen to them. Smack your self-deprecating inner dialogue square in the mouth. Wear the dress!