Less than one year ago, we were picking apples at our favorite farm with tiny Miku. I was wearing this very same Innika Choo dress, no mask or social distancing necessary. I was so used to having her as my constant companion, and so completely unwilling to imagine a life without her, there was just nothing that could prepare me for the inevitable end. But even if I would’ve made room to ponder what life would look like after losing her, I don’t think I could’ve possibly imagined it would involve a global pandemic.

So much has changed in just nine months, in our personal lives and around the world. I’ve been struggling, I assume like most people, and sometimes it’s difficult to cope with everything. I make myself sick with worry and before I know it, a week has gone by and I’ve gotten nothing done, I’m hanging on by a thread, and the guilt sets in. On the most helpless of days, I like to look back on the best ones. Today, I want to look back on a very good day with my best good girl. Wearing this dress makes me think of her, as most things often do.

today, vs. last year and the year before.

There may have been no other activity Miku liked more than diving and rolling in the snow. But apple season was probably not far behind. She would stick her head straight up in the air and sniff all the scents wafting through the fresh air: apples ripe on the tree and rotting on the ground, the various humans and their mini counterparts who journeyed from the city and wandered through the orchards, an occasional bag of fresh apple cider donuts.

When she’d spot another dog, she’d demand to make her presence known with a high pitched bark and excited tug of her leash; when they acknowledged her with a sniff and a tail wag, she would immediately lose interest. I always made the same two statements in various ways: when she was excited, I’d say “don’t worry, she wouldn’t hurt a fly! Can she greet your dog?” and when she’d give them the cold shoulder and go on her way, I’d joke, “Oh, she just loves to play hard to get.”

In all my years of having Miku by my side — 15 and a half glorious years — she never once bit anyone or anything. Never even a warning snap. She was the most gentle, loving being I have ever known. Even when we were playing tug of war, if she thought she was playing too rough, she would drop her toy and lick me as if to say, “I’m sorry. Was that too much?”

She liked everyone, but truly loved few.

She was great with kids; even though I would hover to make sure kids were gentle with her (for her benefit, haha!), I knew that her only reaction to an overzealous child would be to lick their face or get up and move away. Most dogs, she could take or leave — she was very good at ignoring them as they followed her around the dog park, choosing instead to great their humans. But she loved our cats and they loved her (and incidentally, our cats only liked her and just tolerated each other).

Our very last outing was at this same farm, at the tail end of apple season.

We picked the last of the apples from the tippy tops of the trees, while Miku sat in her stroller in the shade. She and I walked through the pumpkin patch and settled on several small ones, instead of one large. Even then, I didn’t know it would be our last trip to the orchard, let alone our last outing ever. I’ve had a really hard time looking at the photos from that day — I even have a video.

I still remember her sitting on my sister’s lap, the window cracked and her little head tilted upward to catch the breeze. But it’s still too painful for me to look back on that day, knowing the end was just days away. So instead, I look at the ones from months and years prior and remember what it felt like to experience the truest happiness.

I can’t really imagine visiting any of our favorite places without her anytime soon, and the pandemic just made that decision much clearer — we’re staying inside and away from others as much as possible. But today, I’m thinking back to all of our mini adventures and thinking:

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

Links:

First and second outfit: Innika Choo dress via Shopbop, Sezane sneakers, Dita “hurricane” sunglasses, Keiko-Chan glasses in Leo. Charlotte Olympia flats. Handmade mask, made by me. See my blog post for a list of small shop mask sellers or make your own with my cloth mask tutorial.

Third outfit: old Topman sweater (from almost 10 years ago), Express camisole, AGOLDE jeans.

Fourth outfit: old American Eagle denim jacket with a vintage “me and you” patch (I also love my Levis trucker — I have one with “Miku” on the back from Daily Disco), Madewell shirt, red corduroy skirt (this is similar).