Giving advice is very different than taking it

I am often that person whom friends and family turn to in a crisis or when they’re in need of advice. I even had a friend of mine who did my chart when we first met. Then, immediately decided we were a good match and that I would become his new confidante (we were, and I did).

Of course, giving advice is very different than taking it. Being a shoulder to lean on is very different than leaning on someone else’s. Listening is very different than being the one to open up.

Betterhelp was not for me. I’m grateful for it anyway.

If you’re a friend or family member of mine, there’s a good chance I recommended exploring therapy in one of our own unofficial sessions. There’s also a good chance that I helped you find that therapist, booked your first appointment, or even paid for it myself because I wanted to show you that therapy helps. I may have reminded you that sometimes finding a therapist is like dating. You have to give them a chance to see if they’re a good fit, and keep looking if they’re not. I have always said that everyone could benefit from therapy, even if they don’t think they need it. And here’s the thing: I do need it and I know I need it. And yet, I’ve spent more years out of therapy than in. I’m good at giving advice; I’m horrible about taking it.

My history with therapy

It’s the act of starting that stops me. Whenever I hit a snag in therapy, whether it was sheer scheduling or financial issues or realizing I need a therapist who was a better fit, I had a really difficult time starting again. It’s how I am with most things that I’ve put off forever; once I start again, I realize it’s not a big deal and I should’ve done it a long time ago. But making the appointment and following through? That’s always the highest hurdle of all.

I started therapy when I was a kid. I went years without it as an adult with a low income and no insurance. Then, started again in my 20s during a particularly turbulent time. Bobby and I even did couples therapy at one point and it helped us a lot. But then I kept having to change my sessions due to schedule conflicts. This turned into canceling, and then I made my sessions less frequent, and then I stopped altogether.

When I was feeling fine, the last thing I wanted to do was start therapy again…because that meant starting over. I could’ve gone back to my old therapist. However, I reasoned with myself that I hit a wall with her and it didn’t feel like the right fit anymore. She was a great fit for couples but not as much for trauma, so this was actually true. With her no longer an option, the idea of starting over with a new therapist and having to retell and relive all of that old trauma — trauma that I still deal with to this day, but maybe wasn’t particularly affected by at that very moment — felt very unpleasant and unnecessarily disruptive to whatever calm waters I was currently in.

The problem was, when I would get into a super dark place, it would feel so urgent to talk to a therapist. However, I had no one lined up. I would go through the same motions each time. I get a list from my insurance, look up who seemed like a good fit, call around and ask availability. Then, I give up after finding out that they weren’t taking new clients or the wait was over a month and I didn’t know what my schedule would look like by then.

In short, I had lots of excuses, and kept falling in and out of deeper, darker depressive states. I was having panic attacks, losing clumps of hair, breaking out in hives all over my body, throwing up daily. On the outside, I seemed okay. But I was not, and would have full on meltdowns where I felt entirely out of control of my emotions. Bobby was very patient and kind and understanding, but it wasn’t fair to him. He kept asking me to consider therapy again, and I would make up the same old excuses.

It became my new normal. I had a couple of years that just felt like one kick in the gut after another, between loss and grief and personal issues that were eating away at me…and then we moved to Florida. I was already feeling lost, because I was leaving a place I’ve loved for many years during a strange and scary time. Also, I felt guilty and uncertain about everything. And then Kitty Boos was diagnosed with aggressive cancer, and I completely fell to pieces.

Waiting for a therapist was no longer an answer. Friends will tell you, when I’m in a particularly bad state, I just drop off the grid for awhile. I ignore everyone’s calls and messages. I’m not very good at asking for help, but even I could recognize that I desperately need it. I had to talk to someone now — and I needed it to be a professional. Enter betterhelp therapy.

My betterhelp experience

My insurance covered teletherapy but there was a minimum 3 week wait for anyone who accepted it. Also, Bobby urged me to just pay out of pocket with someone who could see me quickly. I’ve heard 1,000 commercials for betterhelp on podcasts, so I decided to give it a shot. After filling out a short questionnaire, I was swiftly matched with a therapist. The therapist immediately messaged me and scheduled an appointment right away. I felt relief even in that moment, knowing someone was saying, “I’m here to help you.”

In the time between our first and only session, I took advantage of their daily journal (which you can choose to share with your therapist). I signed up for a group counseling session about grief. Immediately, I chatted with my newly matched therapist through the app’s messaging system. She was kind and attentive, she was encouraging me to reach out at any time. We had the schedule of the first session a couple of days after matching with my therapist. I was looking forward to it.

I wasn’t sure how I’d like the video session. Would it be harder to open up, without that in person connection? Will it feel cold and impersonal, or awkward? Would my session freeze (our internet is so slow here, compared to NYC)? I tested it out several times — another handy option on their site — because that’s where my anxiety took me. Turns out I was right to worry about that part (although it was her connection that ended up cutting out). But I didn’t find it harder to open up, nor did I find it impersonal.

Awkward, maybe, because tears and feelings can make me uneasy, but that’s all the time. She asked me some questions, I answered them. I found myself opening up about things that I forgot therapy can pull out of me. As I was unburdening myself, I felt great relief that I found this wonderful app. It allowed me to immediately and seamlessly find someone to help me. We were about 3/4 of the way through our session when she interrupted the session. She told me she did not think she could help me and that I should find another therapist — one with more experience in trauma (note: her profile said she was experience in trauma, so it must have been a mistake).

I was a bit taken aback. I felt a little embarrassed that whatever baggage I had was too much for her to handle. But she was very kind about it. She even told me to reach out to her anytime if I needed to talk to someone in the interim. And I would rather her be up front about it rather than take me on as a client and not feel confident about it.

It’s Easier to Switch Therapists

Betterhelp makes it very easy to switch therapists. You just click a button that requests exactly that, and it seeks out a new match for you. The second match was just as easy and she was quick to respond. I let her know about the first mismatch and a brief history to make sure she felt like she was a good fit. She said she felt very confident that she could help me and wanted to dive right in.

The first session went really well. She was kind and easy to talk to. Her cats kept walking into frame which made me feel more comfortable talking to her about my fear of losing Boo. The therapist suggested having back to back sessions for awhile because there was a lot to unpack. So, we scheduled another talk for just a couple days later.

She was late for the video appointment, which was not a problem — I was like sitting in the waiting room. But then she canceled the video conference and called me instead. She said her internet was acting up. However, I had the sense that she was out and about and kind of just forgot, because there was some background noise that sounded like a public space. Again, it didn’t really bother me all that much. But I told her I preferred to have a video session for the next one. This time, she didn’t ask many questions, and our session was a little shorter. She gave me homework that simply said, “I will love myself and forgive myself.” I asked her how to work on that. She said I just need to tell myself I’m worthy.

That might work for some people, but I’m a capital V Virgo and need more of a concrete plan than that. In our next session, which was another phone session despite scheduling a video, I told her I didn’t find it helpful. I was wondering if there was something else I could do to help myself. She had a difficult time coming up with something. The therapist ended the session with another vague piece of “homework”: know your tribe, encourage your supporters. I was scratching my head and was wondering if I was missing something.

I decided to give it one more session, at least. Sometimes, it just takes some time to find a groove. But after yet another canceled video session for a phone session, and a weird tangent about her personal feelings on the pandemic, I decided this was not the therapist for me. I mentioned that I was considering going on antidepressants and she seemed a little disappointed. My whole life I was avoiding going on antidepressants despite doctors frequently telling me I should consider it. I finally reached a point where I could admit to myself that it was my best chance at feeling whole again. Therapy will continue, and I still wholeheartedly believe it can do wonders, but sometimes you need something more.

I canceled our next session. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that instead of being up front with her, I just kind of…ghosted. I considered trying to find another therapist since I had 4 more sessions, but I knew I would be switching therapists once my new insurance kicked in for Florida, and I hated the idea of starting over and over and living in such a dark space for too long. So, I just forfeited my remaining sessions and canceled my subscription.

Why I’m still grateful for betterhelp

You might be wondering why, despite my not so great experience, I am grateful for betterhelp. For one, I know several people who have had great experiences and I would never want to discourage anyone from trying it. It is a lot like online dating: you might have to swipe through a lot of people to find the right match. If I didn’t have new insurance that covers part of my therapy, I would’ve given it another go until I found the right therapist.

I like the ease of use and scheduling sessions, I like the option to participate in targeted group counseling, the journaling prompts, the ability to contact your therapist any time of day through the messaging app. But what I especially like is the immediate availability. Betterhelp was there to prove me with someone to talk to right away when I was feeling the lowest of low, alarming myself with my thoughts and actions.

It wasn’t that betterhelp wasn’t a great fit; it’s that I didn’t find the right counselor. I’m grateful for bettehelp, even just a little bit, until I was able to find the right person and while I was adjusting to my new prescription. I’m trying a new therapist, I’m on antidepressants that make me feel so much more like myself, and the journey continues. Nothing is a cure, but I’ll take any help I can get.

Would I try betterhelp again? Absolutely, if I ever find myself in a position again where my insurance doesn’t cover therapy (they do not accept insurance on betterhelp — it’s all out of pocket). But for now, if I’m going to have to “date around” to find the right therapist for me, I’d prefer it count toward my deductible.