I can say with my whole entire chest that I am not a girl who thinks everything happens for a reason. But I am someone — ahem, aspiring to be someone — who looks for the silver lining when certain, not entirely life altering things have gone awry. Once the dust has settled and the emotions have reduced from their boiling point to a nice, steady simmer, I put on my analytical glasses (not the rosy kind!) and ask myself, “What good came from this?” or even “What bad thing did this prevent?”

Finding success in failure

In September 2018, you couldn’t have convinced me I wasn’t a full on failure.

I had finally made the hard decision to close up Brooklyn Brigade, my photo studio and workspace, because it was just too much. Too much overhead, too much responsibility, too much of a headache. Too much space, even.

But mostly, it was just too expensive for one person. We rented it out for photoshoots and events, and did okay with that — but it was more of a headache than it was worth. Equipment and furniture was broken, stolen, mistreated. I hated being there alone, and hated Holly being there alone, because there were two very scary incidences that made me feel unsafe. And when she took a great opportunity elsewhere, I knew the time had officially come to an end. Despite it never becoming what I wanted it to be, it was a great space for us. We hosted workshops, built some incredible sets, raised lots of money for charities and donated our space to worthy causes who needed a place to meet.

We also took a lot of dog portraits. I had all these big ideas for the space, to make it into something beautiful and community driven, but I really didn’t have the funds to make it come to life — and I didn’t believe in myself enough to try and find partnerships to make it happen. It never had a chance to grow, and I held onto it for the sake of having it. I made a bargain with myself: if I let the studio go, I could go apartment hunting. Without the extra overhead, we could afford to move into a better apartment with outdoor space and better light. It was bittersweet, but I chose that. We moved into our amazing new space with the knowledge that I would not renew my studio lease.

So, anyway…that chapter of my life ended the same way it began: on my birthday.

That’s something I didn’t think about when signing the lease on my birthday: that I would also need to turn in the keys on that same day. I sold off a lot of stuff, moved some stuff into our new building’s storage, and reminded myself that I’d be saving $3500 a month in rent. I knew it was the right thing to do — the only thing to do if I wanted to save myself from going broke — but I still felt like a failure.

Here, all of my peers were expanding their empires into product lines and television shows, and I was shutting mine down before it was even a profitable business. I hate to say it, but I also really liked being able to say, “I’m a blogger, but I also have a photo studio!” because seemingly, that did make myself more legitimate in some people’s eyes.

I’d love to say that I immediately saw the upside of giving up the studio. However, 2019 was one of the worst years of my life and I spent most of it in a state of panic. In the sense that it didn’t leave room for me to give the loss of the studio much thought. I guess says something.

But then came 2020 — and 2020 made everything feel a little clearer to me.

In early 2020, when the pandemic was in a full, frenzied swing and absolutely nothing was known. We unwittingly entered an era in which almost everyone’s lives changed. None the wiser of what was to come, our plans were postponed instead of canceled. We settled into our pajamas and whisked our dalgona coffee, and hoped that life would soon return to normal.

When the lockdown continued, I thought, “Thank goodness I already work from home.” When the layoffs started, I thought, “Thank goodness I work for myself.” When the layoffs started at my agency, I thought, “Well, this isn’t good.” But my managers survived the round of layoffs, and I survived the big talent purge. Many of my jobs got postponed, some were canceled entirely. However, I still had jobs coming in, and I was able to keep things afloat. This was largely because I shoot and edit my own photos and videos. Also, I had an entire studio’s worth of equipment right in my home. I was an easy, reliable hire for anyone in need of marketing content. Not only was I living in an apartment with floor-to-ceiling windows, which allowed me to shoot indoors with natural light. Also, I had the knowledge of studio lighting…which meant I could shoot day and night.

When everyone else was struggling to work, I was doing rather well. Work was much slower than usual and the pay was less. But even with my postponed and canceled jobs, I made almost as much as I did in 2019. I was incredibly lucky.

I was also lucky that I no longer had that extra $3500 a month studio hanging over my head.

Not only would I have lost out on any rental income that would’ve mitigated my costs, I wouldn’t have felt comfortable using that space for most of the year, myself. I wouldn’t have had all of my backdrops, lighting, and other equipment right in my home, ready for any last minute job that came my way. I wouldn’t have chosen a more expensive apartment with floor to ceiling windows and ample outdoor space, that gave us and our beloved animals a way better quality of life — and fresh air and sunlight during the lockdown. And of course, it wouldn’t have given us room to make the huge decision to move up our house buying plan by a full two years.

With that tight of a tether, we wouldn’t have been able to take the leap.

I may not have an empire, but I’ve never fancied myself much of a power-hungry ruler, anyway. And though I’m at the tail end of my thirties, I’d like to think that I could revisit my studio and event space one day. Or, find another creative outlet to pour my heart and soul into whose income doesn’t depend on likes and comments (the way my current career does). Until then, I’m quite content with getting by on my own and saving for a rainy day. Just seeing where things take me. If I’ve learned anything from 2020 and my career upheaval of 2021, it’s that absolutely nothing is certain. That’s scary, but it can also be okay.

Know-how and a bit of lucky timing helped me find success. Fluidity and adaptability have given me staying power. I have learned that it’s best not to dig my heels in too deep. But to go where the current takes me. It’s much easier to stay afloat, that way.

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